Kung Nandito Lang Sana

Dati ay aking tinatanong,

Bakit lagi kang wala tuwing ako'y malungkot?

Ngayon lang napagtanto na maaaring kabaligtaran pala ang sitwasyon.

Ang kalungkutan ay epekto

Ng iyong pagkawala.

Manibela

Nung isang araw, Biyernes, gabi.

Pauwi kami ng kaibigan ko galing sa isang Christmas Party.

Ihahatid ko na sana siya sa Sampa.

Kaso, sabi niya ayaw pa niya umuwi.

Ang ginawa namin, umikot-ikot kami sa acad oval.

Ako yung nagmamaneho ng sasakyan.

Mailaw ang paligid, malakas ang tugtog, mahaba ang usapan.

Nakakamiss yung pakiramdam.

Ang sarap kapag alam mong may kaya kang pagsabihan ng mga masasakit na bagay

tungkol sa buhay, tungkol sa pag-ibig.

Sayo

Ginawan ko siya ng pelikula.

At hindi ko alam kung tama ba.

Natanong ko sa'king sarili,

Bakit ang tapang ko?

Hinayaan ko lang malaman ng iba...

kung malalaman man nila.

Binuhos lahat ng nararamdaman

sa labinlimang minutong likha.

Ang tapang ko.

Binuksan ko ang sarili para makita ng buo ng lahat.

Kung gaano ako kahina.

Kung gaano ako kalungkot.

Kung gaano ako kasawi.

Ba't nga ba ito nagawa?

Simula pa lang ng klase, alam kong gagamitin ko,

ang kanyang kanta, ang aming istorya.

Alam na kaagad na aking iaalay

ang oras, ang pagod, ang oportunidad.  

Siguro kasi ang layo niya lang talaga ngayon.

Emosyonal at pisikal na layo.

3070 na kilometro. Ang hirap abutin.

Baka ito nga ang sagot. Eto na nga siguro.

'Di niya malalaman, 'di niya makikita, 'di niya mapapanood.
Nakakatawa. Wala man lang siyang kamalay-malay.

Borrowed

I have a confession to make.

And it's not something I can tell as easy as thinking of me telling it.

Here's the thing.

It's not that I actually forget to get it from you.

I intentionally forget to get it from you.

Got it?

It's like everything that connects us has become dependent to a simple thing you borrowed.

And returning it to me means losing my only acceptable excuse to see you.

As the day draws nearer, my hope becomes weaker.

It's terrifying. I admit I am afraid.

A pair of glasses

Today, I chose to isolate myself from all the people and from the whole world.
So here I am, stuck in my bed at my new dormitory with nothing to do but to think of all the bad things, all the good things and everything in between.
When I was about to get a loaf of bread, I realized all I was thinking about was narrowed down to one person. I tried getting him out of my head but all the tactics did not work.
Why am I thinking about him anyway?

"Him", the inspiration I've always admired but never had.

I remember seeing him walk so "awkwardly" during my first year of college. That time, his shoulders were so stiff. He was wearing large round glasses which I hated. I could not see his eyes but I could tell he was thinking of something really deep. He was in a world so far from here.
He got it all wrong. I did not know he was in a band. I just happened to notice him every time he was there... walking, sitting and whatnot.

Seeing him at my new school in my second year of college made me hate him even more.
I didn't really hate him. There was just something about those glasses which I really really hated. It's funny thinking about how I hate a pair of glasses.

But anyway, during my first class at my new school, he just sat beside me. There were only a few vacant seats left so maybe that was why he chose the one beside me.
I bet he couldn't even remember this but I felt really awkward that time. Good thing, our professor only made us watch a film.

The start of our friendship was during the second semester of my second year when we were in the same class again. Little did I know,  I already  got comfortable with him, finding out we shared the same interests in some way. It was really fun. I started keeping in mind his habits, goals, everything he does and everything he says.
But knowing him more made me quite sad in some way.

He is the "person version" of art.
That's it.
As we got closer and closer, he became more difficult to reach and difficult to bear.

It only took one snap for him to become the inspiration I didn't know I needed.

It's a pain.
Once you find someone you look up to, the one who makes you move forward, the more you find out how broken you are. The insecurities grew bigger and I became a mess. I got this whole negative aura around me.

This was the time I became more dependent on him.

Again, I bet he did not notice this but almost all the time, I would try talking to him. Even if it was just for seconds.

Even if it was shorter than "Hi." "Hello", if there was something shorter than that.

In this way, I got to be inspired in my life even just for a bit.

I know it was weird and selfish of me.
I took those seconds away from him just for me to be okay.

He did not even realize he was saving me just by those short conversations.

He saved me and I felt like he was heaven-sent.

It's nice to think that the One above always guides you and protects you in His own ways. He lets you meet people and make friends to make you feel His presence.

My relationship with the Lord became thinner and thinner and voila!

Here's a guy who inspires me and whose center has always been the Lord and I feel like I've become closer to Him again through him.
Really really really hard to explain.

But anyway, he might think of himself as someone ordinary but for me, he is someone more than that.
He is perfect. And blessed. And lucky.

He's both a soldier and a hero even if he thinks he is physically weak, but his heart and faith are so strong and too powerful.

If I can turn back time, I will stop my habit of avoiding his eyes.
Being drawn to his eyes is like seeing a world full of wonders. It's too deep, sometimes blank, but sometimes so meaningful. It's a wonderful experience.

I will always ask how he is doing every time I meet him.

I also regret trying to ignore him during the times I was so scared that he might find out how I feel about him. With that, I wasted a lot of conversations and moments.

I also regret hating those pair of glasses. Funny, really. I remember borrowing it from him once and trying it on. I remember hearing him say he doesn't like his glasses that much as well.
But as I became closer to him, I started admiring those glasses. In no time, the hatred for it was gone. I became comfortable that I did not even notice when he was not wearing it at all anymore.
It became a reminder of change and time.
And I started missing those glasses that I wanted to forget all about it. But then one day, he wore it again and I learned that you could really only know how important an object or a person is for you once it is already gone.
I don't know why I ended up talking about his glasses and I think I lost my point somewhere.

But maybe I'm not talking about the glasses at all.
Maybe I'm talking about him and how sad I am that he'll be gone and there's a possibility that we will no longer meet.
Maybe this is the reason why I am writing about him in the first place.
Or maybe I am just talking about how hopeful I am to meet him again somewhere to make up for all the time lost, to the things not done, to the words unsaid.
Maybe I am saying that I am too scared to think that no one will be there to inspire me again. Or maybe, just maybe..
I'm just really grateful to have seen those glasses.
If it weren't for those pair of round glasses, I might have not noticed someone really really really perfect, a masterpiece, who became an important person of my life. And I will not forget. I wish I can tell him how beautiful he is. And how grateful I am for our friendship. And how he inspired me to live. And how I admire him so much.

But I really wish I will be able to say goodbye.
And I really wish we can say hello again.

Memory

I easily forget things.

There's just something about the ambiguity of a memory that I cannot understand.

Sometimes, you start to make a memory of your own.

Until you forget which ones are right and which ones you should trust anymore. Sometimes, I cannot even distinguish my dreams from reality.

Dreams become fake memories.
And memories become parts of a dream.

It's killing me.

My mind already has these doubts about myself.

Losing control with no one to ask,

I think I have already forgotten the biggest part of my life.
And I really need to write this to remind me how much memory I've lost.

Wonder

That moment when you finished reading a book

And got your eyes stuck on the last page

Trying to say goodbye to a world inside your head.

It was as if losing something important but not.

I just got back to reality...

And nothing felt sadder than that.

Reversal

First post ito.

First post simula nang umalis ako dito.
Grabe ang girly ko pala noong bata pa ako.
Ang dami ko pang ka-echosan.

Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ako gumawa ng account dito.

Siguro kasi ang dami ko ng gustong ilabas at wala akong mapaglabasan.

Drama noh? Pero totoo.

Public ito pero nakasisiguro ako na wala masyadong dadaan sa website na ito.

Wala.

Lalo na ikaw.

Oo, heartbroken kasi ako ngayon.

Hindi dahil sa nakaraan.

Kung hindi dahil sa ngayon.

Siguro hindi mo maiintindihan.

Paano mo nga naman maiintindihan, ni hindi mo nga ako napapansin.

Nakatutuwang isipin na parati tayong pinaglalapit ng tadhana.

Siguro hindi mo napapansin.

Siguro. Nagbabakasakali..

Dati na kitang nakikita. Dati na kitang kilala.

Ngayon lang tayo naging tunay na magkaibigan.

Magkaibigan.

Nagbabatian, nagpapansinan, naglolokohan, nagtatawanan, nagtutulungan..

Kahit kailan, hindi ko akalain na mahuhumaling ako sayo.

Paano ba naman, ang dami nating pagkakaparehas.

Nakakatuwa. Nakakatuwa..

Sana hindi pa huli ang lahat.

P.S Idol na nga pala kita.

Where does love go?

.TOMODACHI.

I.MISS.YOU. T.T

-sobs-YAY! T.T CAN'T TAKE IT!

-sobs- Aww.! I'm starting to feel that we really are juniors now.
Different sections, different teachers, different classmates, different friends...
I'm going to miss my tu.tertin: PERIWINIKLES! ^^
I'm going to miss the happy times, sad times..

MAMIMISS KO UNG KULITAN!


I'm going to miss our tu.tertin MEMORIES!
TU.TERTIN IS THE BEST!
~forever the BEST~

~@~@~@~@~@~

J.A.M.PP.CC.A.S.
(Jolina. Alex. Mariah. Priscila. Pamela. Clarisse. Christine. Alaina. Socorro)

The best group I ever had.
The group where I could truly relate.
We faced many problems but look, we were still here.
I.LOVE.YOU GUYS.!
mamimiss ko yung tawanan, iyakan, long table,
kabalbalan, asaran, tuksuhan,
galaan, bugbugan (!), pamilyang dugong-asul, pamilya cubeta (xD),
LAHAT!
Mamimiss ko kayong lahat.!
Magkakahiwahiwalay na tayo...
Don't forget to visit each other's section! ^^
Walang kalimutan, ah!
at walang IWANAN.!
^^GUYS, thank you sa lahat ah!
THANK YOU sa memories...
T.T
YOU ALL ARE THE BEST!

When we are together, there's joy in the air,
There's joy in the heart
from the friendship we share...

~Aya-Santuico signing off~
JAA.JAA.!