Today, I chose to isolate myself from all the people and from the whole world.
So here I am, stuck in my bed at my new dormitory with nothing to do but to think of all the bad things, all the good things and everything in between.
When I was about to get a loaf of bread, I realized all I was thinking about was narrowed down to one person. I tried getting him out of my head but all the tactics did not work.
Why am I thinking about him anyway?
"Him", the inspiration I've always admired but never had.
I remember seeing him walk so "awkwardly" during my first year of college. That time, his shoulders were so stiff. He was wearing large round glasses which I hated. I could not see his eyes but I could tell he was thinking of something really deep. He was in a world so far from here.
He got it all wrong. I did not know he was in a band. I just happened to notice him every time he was there... walking, sitting and whatnot.
Seeing him at my new school in my second year of college made me hate him even more.
I didn't really hate him. There was just something about those glasses which I really really hated. It's funny thinking about how I hate a pair of glasses.
But anyway, during my first class at my new school, he just sat beside me. There were only a few vacant seats left so maybe that was why he chose the one beside me.
I bet he couldn't even remember this but I felt really awkward that time. Good thing, our professor only made us watch a film.
The start of our friendship was during the second semester of my second year when we were in the same class again. Little did I know, I already got comfortable with him, finding out we shared the same interests in some way. It was really fun. I started keeping in mind his habits, goals, everything he does and everything he says.
But knowing him more made me quite sad in some way.
He is the "person version" of art.
That's it.
As we got closer and closer, he became more difficult to reach and difficult to bear.
It only took one snap for him to become the inspiration I didn't know I needed.
It's a pain.
Once you find someone you look up to, the one who makes you move forward, the more you find out how broken you are. The insecurities grew bigger and I became a mess. I got this whole negative aura around me.
This was the time I became more dependent on him.
Again, I bet he did not notice this but almost all the time, I would try talking to him. Even if it was just for seconds.
Even if it was shorter than "Hi." "Hello", if there was something shorter than that.
In this way, I got to be inspired in my life even just for a bit.
I know it was weird and selfish of me.
I took those seconds away from him just for me to be okay.
He did not even realize he was saving me just by those short conversations.
He saved me and I felt like he was heaven-sent.
It's nice to think that the One above always guides you and protects you in His own ways. He lets you meet people and make friends to make you feel His presence.
My relationship with the Lord became thinner and thinner and voila!
Here's a guy who inspires me and whose center has always been the Lord and I feel like I've become closer to Him again through him.
Really really really hard to explain.
But anyway, he might think of himself as someone ordinary but for me, he is someone more than that.
He is perfect. And blessed. And lucky.
He's both a soldier and a hero even if he thinks he is physically weak, but his heart and faith are so strong and too powerful.
If I can turn back time, I will stop my habit of avoiding his eyes.
Being drawn to his eyes is like seeing a world full of wonders. It's too deep, sometimes blank, but sometimes so meaningful. It's a wonderful experience.
I will always ask how he is doing every time I meet him.
I also regret trying to ignore him during the times I was so scared that he might find out how I feel about him. With that, I wasted a lot of conversations and moments.
I also regret hating those pair of glasses. Funny, really. I remember borrowing it from him once and trying it on. I remember hearing him say he doesn't like his glasses that much as well.
But as I became closer to him, I started admiring those glasses. In no time, the hatred for it was gone. I became comfortable that I did not even notice when he was not wearing it at all anymore.
It became a reminder of change and time.
And I started missing those glasses that I wanted to forget all about it. But then one day, he wore it again and I learned that you could really only know how important an object or a person is for you once it is already gone.
I don't know why I ended up talking about his glasses and I think I lost my point somewhere.
But maybe I'm not talking about the glasses at all.
Maybe I'm talking about him and how sad I am that he'll be gone and there's a possibility that we will no longer meet.
Maybe this is the reason why I am writing about him in the first place.
Or maybe I am just talking about how hopeful I am to meet him again somewhere to make up for all the time lost, to the things not done, to the words unsaid.
Maybe I am saying that I am too scared to think that no one will be there to inspire me again. Or maybe, just maybe..
I'm just really grateful to have seen those glasses.
If it weren't for those pair of round glasses, I might have not noticed someone really really really perfect, a masterpiece, who became an important person of my life. And I will not forget. I wish I can tell him how beautiful he is. And how grateful I am for our friendship. And how he inspired me to live. And how I admire him so much.
But I really wish I will be able to say goodbye.
And I really wish we can say hello again.
